Hello October!

SO this year is the first year I'm setting myself the challenge of Blogtober! yep that's right.. posting every day of October. For someone who finds it hard to post just once a week I'm hoping this will be a real challenge for me, not only to be disciplined with my writing, but also to encourage myself to write some great content and also read and be inspired by others writing too!

I'm also looking to reorganise my bloglovin' and have a little clear out and actually follow the people I enjoy reading. I've also got some more book themed posts and a few hair posts coming up, which is really exciting!

September has been so crazy, I can't believe the summer is over and I'm back to university already! Im already feeling so much more active and inspired to create and take part in things which is just so surreal for me as it's something I haven't really felt over the last few years.

So to kick things off I'll be sharing my goals for this month, which will probably feature in a few posts throughout blogtober!

Have more faith in myself

Some lady doing a survey yesterday asked me what it was I would most like to change about myself and I said I would like to have more confidence. Even though I feel so much more better mentally, I still know I have a tendency to push emily out of the way and replace her with a negative demon voice that sits on my shoulder telling me that I suck. When I know I don't! So this is something I really want to work on this month, improve my public speaking (e.g... speaking at all tehe!)

Stop comparing myself to other bloggers

I think all bloggers are guilty of this! We all have a thing where we get blog-envy. I get it ALL the time, but this month I'm going to turn that green eyed monster into a beautiful butterfly, and be happy with my unique blog. because its mine...

Read at least 2 books

I'm so awful for just picking up my laptop and procrastinating (sims and twitter I'm looking at you!) sometimes its good to put down the tech and just have abit of paper time. I've lined up some amazing books to read this month and I'm really excited to read but also blog abit more about books, because I've always been abit of a bookworm.

Be more active on instagram

This month I'm really focusing on twitter and instagram, I've been so stagnant with my following for ages, mainly because I don't put much effort into posting and generally engaging with people. So this is one of my challenges to myself this month, is to just promote my blog more and be more um.. alive on social platforms.

Stop dying my hair

Possibly my most important goal this month is to LEAVE my hair alone. Yes girl you NEED to put away that peroxide *and all the box dye crap that I'm constantly bombarding my hair with. It's sad and I need to protect it, because let's face it, I wouldn't be me without my hair. But I've treated it badly, because it seemed as though nothing would ever defeat it. But it was and I was too. So after spending a small fortune on getting it fixed, this month I'll really be looking after it, which shall be interesting.. (help)

So they're my main goals this month, I'm hoping I'll stick to them, or buy a wig. 

I am however excited for the challenge of blogtober and I'm super excited to see what everyone else comes up with! 

What's your goals for this month?

Why I dropped out of my final year at university

I was a little skeptical about writing this post and it's taken a while for me to really have the words to write down or sort of just admit to the world that my life needed to change. It's tough to admit when you need help, so I hope my story inspires you or just gives you an insight into my experience at university. This was a tough one to write and share.

Back in January I made the strange and hard decision to actually drop out of my university course.
So I was in 3rd year.. the final year (the one with the light at the end of the tunnel, aka a shiny hat and a lovely photo) but I was at some strange dark place in my life that had continued since I first started university. Uni is supposed to be a fun, spontaneous experience but for me (although amazingly fun) was also hugely eye opening in terms of mental health and life skills. I realised that I had no social skills whatsoever, I hated my course, I felt so lonely and sad my work on my course suffered, I no longer went into any of my lessons, I struggled with the workload, had no skills because I had missed so many lessons and in turn I was faced with a serious decision.

To drop out of my final year.

At first I was adamant that I would stay, I don't know how I planned to do that, but I didn't want to start again or feel as though I failed, I also didn't want to let my parents or family down. My tutors were telling me their advice was to leave and start over, and I just felt that all the odds were just against me. I was so worried, mainly because all my friends, would be graduating without me and I wanted to finish my course and just get it over with. But after much consideration and decision making (with my dad) we came to the conclusion that I would drop out.
After making this decision it just was a huge relief, so much weight off my shoulders and no longer did I have to panic and worry about the work I had missed and I could start a-fresh in the new term.

Great, awesome. But then came the huge blow that was my job. I was doing my dream job in marketing, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind and my work suffered and I took it really personally. I was on a support plan and after a few weeks, their advice to me was to hand in my notice. I felt like a failure, I failed at university, I failed at my job.  I didn't want to fight my corner when I was so socially and emotionally fragile. I felt as though I couldn't do anything and I had to hand in my notice. Which was probably tougher than the university decision I made.

So for about a month or so, I was unemployed, no longer a student and mentally ill. I was bored, I was trying to apply for jobs to have some income, to stop myself from going stir-crazy at home and then I just went back to bar work. I applied for a full-time bar job on the seafront and it was the best thing I ever did. I made friends my own age, I was thrown into social situations that I had to grow up and deal with. Within a month of being at my job, I was told I would have to pick up the pace and to cut things short, I got a kick up the backside. Which again really hit a nerve with me because of my last job but this time I refused to let someone else think that I was shit at my job. I refused to let someone let me feel as though I couldn't do something. so I did it.
I picked my shit up and I worked hard, I changed my state of mind and it really made me look at the world a lot more differently and now I feel like a valued member of the team with a lovely family of friends.

So I'm actually really excited to go back to university this September. I'm excited to push myself and do something I didn't do the previous years and actually work hard, turn up, be there and prove myself wrong. I don't need to have friends on my course, I'm there to work. That dropping out didn't make me a failure, that handing in my notice didn't make me a failure. I know I can achieve it and I know I will.

Although it all sucked at the time, it was just meant to happen.. because of those experiences now I have a goal to work towards, and for that I am so thankful.

I would love to hear your experience or stories, or if you fancy a chat, feel free to make a comment or send me an email :)

Challenging Mental health & Self-esteem

This has been abit of a weird post, that I've been wanted to post for some time, but just didn't really have the right words for it, so it's taken a few attempts to gather my thoughts into what I actually wanted this post to be about and what it was I wanted to talk about. And its partially about mental health and self esteem.

What do you want to be when you grow up Emily?

I've always been creative, for as long as I can remember.

My mother cuts out sea creatures made of wood, she paints them, carefully, each one. I watch her from wide eyes. It's not a necessity, they're only going to be hung up in mine and my brothers bedroom. But they're cute and they fit above my bunk bed, and they look so nice on the lime green walls, a little blue octopus with it's legs carved into wood.

The little things

Living with anxiety can be a real hard struggle. People often misinterpret anxiety as something everyone feels from time to time, which is right! Sometime's its good to be a little scared about something. But for me yesterday, leaving my flat to go get some food from Tesco made me so frightened of leaving my cosy little nook I just completely freaked out.. weird right. I don't even know what I was afraid of! After my moment of panic I calmed myself down and pushed myself out of that front door and told myself that I CAN do this.

After I had set myself this small goal, I realized it's the little things.

The little tasks or goals we complete throughout the day that make us feel better about ourselves. The personal ones.

Even if it's a very small thing that would seem silly to other people but is personal to you. Goals that others set you can often be unrealistic and unclear if they don't understand what it is you need. Working towards a better you involves setting yourself small personal goals.

Not being at university anymore means that I have quite a bit of time on my hands and deciding what to do with that time can often be quite hard to do! (as silly as that sounds)
As a person who benefits from having routine, and yeah, I would say I need routine in my life to function, it's often difficult for me to 'take a break' as I'm not sure what to do with all this free time that I now have.

So in this break period I'm going to focus on my little things, my little goals that enable me to become a more stronger person to myself.

Here are some small goals I'm currently working on:

• finishing that god damn book I've been reading! 
• becoming a morning person 
• no netflix after 9pm
• go outside alone and read a book 
• go somewhere totally alone at least once a week
• make sure my little tasks get done (eg going to the bank etc)

Although these goals may seem silly or unnecessary to some people they mean alot to me, and also will help to keep my anxiety in check.

What goals are you working on at the moment?

Thoughts - Why Dating Sucks..

So you're back in the rat race, maybe you're not actively looking for a partner, but this is it. You're supposedly 'dating' again. You picked yourself out of those nasty sweatpants you've been slobbing around in, you've completely over-watched every show on Netflix and left-over pizza just isn't cutting it anymore. Besides, sharing that Pizza would be alot easier with some company.

Hello September!

I can't believe how quickly September has come around, it feels like yesterday that I went back home to spend Christmas with my family, and another year has just completely flown by!
September marks the start of a new beginning with me, because I just got myself a new job, doing something I love which is awesome! I'm learning so much more about marketing and social media it's really inspired me to read, post and improve my blog especially.

Scraptastic Kit Club // May & June

I wanted to share something different on my blog today, I have really gotten into scrapbooking and I'm loving the Scraptastic Club kits. It's great for me as I don't have to spend loads of money buying supplies etc, just a monthly subscription. I love the community that scraptastic has too, it's nice to talk with other scrappers via facebook etc. I thought I would share some layouts I've been creating over the last two months!

This cute Falmouth layout was made with the May kit, "The story I heard" I didn't think I was keen on this kit as it has a lot of phone related embellishments but I do love the colours in this kit.

How cute was my puppy! Now he just grumbles (hehe) but I love this picture and I'm glad I scrapped it with this kit! It does look a little wonky in the photo but it is straight!

Few more random layouts..

(With the June Kit)

I've been very busy scrapping the last few weeks and If you love scrap-booking I would give Scraptastic a go, their stuff is crammed with items! I'm going to try and stay more updated with my some occasional layouts every so often, it's nice to do a different post. Have you ever tried scrapbooking?

The end of a hiatus

So you may of noticed (or not) that I took a little break away from blogging.. I felt a little overwhelmed in the sense that blogging sort of lost any meaning for me. It became more of a 'chore' than an actual hobby, but I've been reading so many inspiring posts over the last couple of weeks and the whole blogging community has begun to slightly change direction.

Long gone are the repetitive beauty blog's, which in all honesty got boring and dull. People seem to be putting more effort into their content, they're shining with personality, with more personal but most importantly relatable posts. I'm loving the way blogging is heading but also the direction my blog should be heading too!

I've been enjoying my little break. Blogging should be something positive and I'm going to use it as an excuse to better myself, re-brand myself and now I (sort of) know the direction I want to take my writing. So thank you to all my favourite bloggers for continuing to write, to inspire and encourage creatives to to pursue their dreams!

Emily.

Thoughts // Hitting the wall

Its been a long time since I've actually written anything, although I have been meaning to, but I guess I'm at the dreaded blogger place of hitting the 'blogger's block' or as I like to think, I've hit the wall. Not just in writing but also just generally in my life at the moment and I feel as though I'm about to start the dreaded cycle that comes after hitting the wall, being a lazy slob.

Driving home for Christmas

Tomorrow I'm finally leaving little Bournemouth and going back to my hometown for Christmas. The best part is that I'm actually driving home instead of getting the train, which is cold and boring and my book usually gets interrupted by some noisy crying child or some drunken idiot at 11pm.

Which is why I'm really excited for the 2 and half hour drive, driving alone, This means I can drive to whatever music I want to and blast my little lungs out on the motorway. I'm so excited for the home comforts, that no student housing can give. It's also been a long time since I've spent some alone time with my family, which I'm actually really excited about. Being away from home makes you miss more than you thought you would.

What are you excited for this christmas?

Has blogging become boring?

I don't really want this post to turn into a boring little rant about the blogging world right now, but I've been seeing some brilliant posts that have wrote about this topic and its been very inspiring reads. Which brings me to the point of what I enjoy to read now, I don't want to bash other people's blogs, because I do enjoy the occasional few, but I'm so bored of the usual beauty or fashion bloggers that just seems so saturated now. I'm just bored with boring reviews about the same thing, new product, new review, great.

My blogging style in my opinion has begun to change and I'm no longer doing beauty posts because I feel they were just the easy thing to do. I guess that's why I haven't been posting much, because I'm still working out what it is I want to blog about. I want it to be more personal, Use what makes me unique as a person and translate that onto my blog. There's nothing better than seeing your stat's go up because people have took the time to read your blog, but I just keep thinking 'what is it I would like to read' and surely it is more satisfying to attract the readers that actually want to feel connected to your blog and not because they just found you on google for doing a review on a product.

I love reading posts that seem like they took the blogger some time to get their piece together, or just random thoughts that had occurred to them across the week that they felt needed to get off their chest. There is just something so liberating and inspiring about those kind of posts and I enjoy lifestyle bloggers so much more now. Maybe that's why the blogging community just seems all abit lost at the moment, because nobody is connecting with what they are reading anymore. Why is everybody striving to be successful by being the same? For me, I do this because I love to write. Sure I'd be lying if I said I didn't want anyone to read it, but I'm bored with being like everyone else and I want to write for me.

New beginnings.

Normally, I always start posts with "Sorry I haven't posted" because I guess I just got bloggers block but this is something I've been wanting to write about for some time. Sure it might not fit in with my blog 'style' but I'm sort of tired of not writing what I really want to write about. I've never really felt ready to write this post until now.. at half 4 in the morning on a Sunday.

2 years is a long time to spend with someone. You become so used to them being there, and being so dependent on them for comfort and it was a huge issue for me that I never really realized I had until my recent breakup. I have learnt so much about mental health, about people, about myself that its sort of hard to put into words what I wanted this post to be about and honestly, I'm still not sure and I'll probably ramble my way through it.

Most of my teenage years I just stumbled my way through relationships, relying on other people for my own happiness and never really taking the time to appreciate myself or spend time alone, to figure myself out, my wants, aspirations.. just being an independent woman and all that jazz.

I think this made me selfish, and unappreciative of people I was in relationships with, I didn't cherish them in the way most people do, but mainly because I just didn't understand, or realize how much of an impact they had on me as a person because they were always there.

After the end of my last relationship, I honestly felt lost. I had invested so much time into 'mothering' my partner I hadn't taken any of my own issues into account. I was oblivious to my own problems, thought they didn't matter and I never open up to any-one. Not even my partner. After he had left, I wasn't really that bothered. My walls went up and I thought that it didn't really matter. I pushed all my feelings to the side and got on with the routine of my life because crying is for babies.

When I moved back to university, all my distractions were gone and I finally had to confront the emotions I had pushed away. I became incredibly aware of my social anxiety. I couldn't go into university without knowing somebody I knew was going in, like a child clinging to their mother. It was very strange and although I had experienced this last year (and became rather down) I didn't think this would be the root of my social anxiety and university issue because I didn't want to know.

So I did the whole clique of chocolates, ice creams and sad romance movies. I went out practically every night drowning my sorrows and filling myself with distractions so I wouldn't have to face the reality of my breakup. I wasn't ready to let go of my best friend. The person I had shared so much with, I literally clung to whatever was left of our relationship and I felt so alone.

I very rarely cry in front of people because I feel so embarrassed, but everything became too much for one little person to keep inside. I sobbed in my housemates arms, I deleted his number, social media and began the long process in loving myself.

I've started going to university on my own, cooking real food (even those veggies!) and just started looking after myself. Even shaving my legs helped, painting my nails and I started doing simple yoga in my bedroom. Sure it's still a long process and a different journey. But I'm happy that I'm on this path now. I've felt so much more healthier, but also I have so much time to myself. 

To learn what being alone is like, that its not a bad thing, it's not scary or socially frowned upon. It's not a huge storm cloud over my head anymore and if anything has come out of this break up, its a better me. It's a better sense of self and I'm thankful for that. For the first time in about 5/6 years I'm starting to like being on my own, use my time wisely, spend it with people who matter and make some lovely memories.

It's a new beginning, to a better me.

Emily.

One of my favourite videos on being alone:

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Picture sources:

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A Healthy Outlook

(image source)

Hello people,

My lack of blogging has just been at an all time low at the moment, I've been back at home from university, I've officially moved out and handed back my keys in preparation for moving into my next house, a much better one at that. Now I'm at home I have been making some big changes to my lifestyle which I have mainly been focusing on instead of being online 24/7.

I have cut out most of the junk food I eat.
I am a mcdonalds addict and giving up mcdonalds is actually really hard, as bad as that sounds.. It's just so easy for me to drive up and go pick up a delicious chicken legend, or a maccies breakfast. But I've totally cut it out.

I've also quit smoking! Yippee! I'm really proud of myself and I don't even think about it anymore. I even gave away a fresh pack of ciggies I found in my uni room to my housemate and I was really happy that I did! I never thought I was addicted until I got cranky and had big mood swings. But everything's great and I'm glad I won't be clogging up my lungs anymore.

Yoga.
I've actually started doing yoga. Last week I gave it a go and absolutely loved it! It's such a nice exercise to do and is perfect for me to start getting into something postive.

As you can see I've been taking some time out to reflect on myself, better myself and just create a much better, well.. me! Spending less time online and more time on myself is improving my lifestyle, I'm much happier.

As for my blog, I'm not sure what I'm doing right now, I guess I'm on abit of a blog hiatus, I'm not sure what I want my blog to be anymore, I'm still figuring that out. But once I do I'll be back :)

Emily.