Making hard choices

(a little picture of Howard my boyfriend, on one of our walks to the purbecks)

The last few weeks have been abit of a blur, I've finally settled into my uni work and I feel like I'm finally getting into it, but it's been abit of a struggle just trying to put my ideas into words and actually start somewhere in my project. I've been struggling a little last week with my anxiety and pulling myself together again but that's a whole different story.

Last month I started Blogtober and I LOVED it. I didn't actually post every single day, but I attempted it. I also realised my potential, my followers grew, my content got better and I was really seeing the stat's rise. People started contacting me about being a part of this blogging community that I knew about but I was never really part of. I was just a girl who blogged every now and then because it was something that I liked doing from time to time.

But last month made me realise my real potential and I'm not saying I'm going to be the next huge blogger, but  it made me think about my last job and what it was that I adored about it and that's social media marketing. It made me passionate again after university killed it for me.

I also work weekend's at a local bistro behind the bar, which does take up a lot more time than you think it does. I no longer had time for my boyfriend who is a photographer and we started creating stuff for my blog and it was so nice to do something together. But because of his full time job and my job we never get to go out and explore the beautiful places we have around us here in Dorset.

So a few days ago I sent my notice in and I've decided to leave my job. Which is huge. I worked out that I can survive on my student loan but it just means I have to be a lot more careful on my spending but also trying to make money from what I love the most. I'm not saying I'm going to jump into freelance straight away, I've still got a degree to finish but for me it's a breath of fresh air and it's what is going to make me happy. I'm going to miss the people I work alongside, but there's nothing stopping me from doing fun things more often now.

Inside I'm terrified, its scary knowing I will have to sort of live like a student again, watching my budget and not being able to afford the nice things that I love so much. But I'm sacrificing all that for time. Time to spend enjoying my boyfriend's company in our lovely home. Time to focus on activities and work that I love to do, Time to go on adventures and explore the world around me.

It's going to be hard to cut back, I say this like I have so much money but a little bit does make a difference, it's going to be stuff but cutting down isn't always such a bad thing. It's all very exciting and I'm excited to start my life up again and decide what exactly it is I want to do when I leave university. I'm looking forward to just focus'ing on me again and what makes me happy.

Thanks for reading as always,

That unproductive feeling..

We all have those days where we just don't feel productive at all and with being at university it really counts with how you go about using your time. This week I've been struggling a little with just making myself do things like university work or just leaving the house to do things. I'm just feeling a little low lately, I had my hair done at the hairdressers and it's really not me at all, I'm not loving it and it's really effecting my self confidence and I don't really want to leave the house.

Maybe I'm feeling the strain of being comfortable on my own again seeing as I'm always at home while my boyfriends at work but I'm fed up of feeling really unproductive. This week I'll be working on a few goals to jolt myself back into productivity and not feel so lame about myself.

Sort my hair out

It's really bugging me, I had my hair done at the hairdressers but it's sort of a grey green colour and it's just really getting me down, as somebody who cares a lot about her hair, it doesn't make me feel good at all. SO I'm determined to sort that out tomorrow because I can't go on this way. Dramatic I know but I want to feel good about myself.

Get out the house and take my camera with me

I'm trying to vary my blog photography a bit and I just have loads of flatlay's and it's just making me feel crap about my blog. I think going out into the world and taking some beautiful autumn themed photos will really help me out so I don't have to worry so much. 

Make time to read before bed

I feel as though my time is being taken up by work and blogging at the moment, so I just want to take maybe an hour before bedtime to just relax and read my many books I've just purchased.

Use my time wisely

I've just neglected university work because I've been feeling so uninspired recently, I really need to kick myself up the arse and sort out some kind of schedule where I sit and do work. So I'll be planning that and reading up on a lot of scheduling posts (hehe) and hoping it will just inspire me a little.

It's okay to not have any friends at university

I'm constantly my own worst enemy.

Recently I've been going back to university to finish my degree, it's my final year and after dropping out last year, all my friends and acquaintances I had made for the duration of the 2 and a bit years I was there, have all graduated and fleed the nest! This really leaves me in a strange position as I go into uni and literally know nobody. (apart from my tutors of course) But it's such a surreal feeling not having anybody to even say a little hello to in the corridor or a catch up in the canteen.

I used to struggle with social anxiety pretty bad. I hated going into university because I felt like an outsider on my course. It's amazing what anxiety can make you feel and think and I constantly thought I had no friends and nobody liked me, I knew I wasn't a bad person or mean or horrible - So why wouldn't I have friends right? And although I felt that way at the time, I did have friends. It was just my mind telling me I wasn't good enough to have them.

So this year is a huge strange leap for me, because I now know nobody. All that time my mind was telling me I had no-one but I had lots of people to talk to even if they were just people I knew.

I don't really know where this post was going or what I was trying to conclude from it, but I just know that having friends at university isn't the end of the world. At the end of the day we are all just there to study. I've sort of got a fresh head on my shoulders.. Of course it still bothers me that I have to sit alone at lunch sometimes but hey, I just whack out a book and read that.

I guess I'm feeling a lot more independent, I feel like I can finally function like an everyday person and not be too terrified of getting on a bus and being around people. I actually attend university now which is great and no longer do I eat my lunch in the toilet like a scene out of mean girls. I have crap days when I still can't say out loud what I think to the class or ask for help from my tutors, but at least I'm actually there and making progress.

This title was abit literal. Because I do have friends and they are amazing. But for now university is just an acquaintance in my life before I can finally hit the big wide world and it should be the same for everyone. Just be nice to people because you never really know what they're struggling with. Be kind. If you're at university and you're abit of an introvert like me, well it's okay to not live up to those party and popularity expectations that people have of university. It's unrealistic. By all means have a good time, and say yes to as many social things as you can, but it's okay to be abit of a loner too. work hard, and cut yourself some slack.

Why I dropped out of my final year at university

I was a little skeptical about writing this post and it's taken a while for me to really have the words to write down or sort of just admit to the world that my life needed to change. It's tough to admit when you need help, so I hope my story inspires you or just gives you an insight into my experience at university. This was a tough one to write and share.

Back in January I made the strange and hard decision to actually drop out of my university course.
So I was in 3rd year.. the final year (the one with the light at the end of the tunnel, aka a shiny hat and a lovely photo) but I was at some strange dark place in my life that had continued since I first started university. Uni is supposed to be a fun, spontaneous experience but for me (although amazingly fun) was also hugely eye opening in terms of mental health and life skills. I realised that I had no social skills whatsoever, I hated my course, I felt so lonely and sad my work on my course suffered, I no longer went into any of my lessons, I struggled with the workload, had no skills because I had missed so many lessons and in turn I was faced with a serious decision.

To drop out of my final year.

At first I was adamant that I would stay, I don't know how I planned to do that, but I didn't want to start again or feel as though I failed, I also didn't want to let my parents or family down. My tutors were telling me their advice was to leave and start over, and I just felt that all the odds were just against me. I was so worried, mainly because all my friends, would be graduating without me and I wanted to finish my course and just get it over with. But after much consideration and decision making (with my dad) we came to the conclusion that I would drop out.
After making this decision it just was a huge relief, so much weight off my shoulders and no longer did I have to panic and worry about the work I had missed and I could start a-fresh in the new term.

Great, awesome. But then came the huge blow that was my job. I was doing my dream job in marketing, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind and my work suffered and I took it really personally. I was on a support plan and after a few weeks, their advice to me was to hand in my notice. I felt like a failure, I failed at university, I failed at my job.  I didn't want to fight my corner when I was so socially and emotionally fragile. I felt as though I couldn't do anything and I had to hand in my notice. Which was probably tougher than the university decision I made.

So for about a month or so, I was unemployed, no longer a student and mentally ill. I was bored, I was trying to apply for jobs to have some income, to stop myself from going stir-crazy at home and then I just went back to bar work. I applied for a full-time bar job on the seafront and it was the best thing I ever did. I made friends my own age, I was thrown into social situations that I had to grow up and deal with. Within a month of being at my job, I was told I would have to pick up the pace and to cut things short, I got a kick up the backside. Which again really hit a nerve with me because of my last job but this time I refused to let someone else think that I was shit at my job. I refused to let someone let me feel as though I couldn't do something. so I did it.
I picked my shit up and I worked hard, I changed my state of mind and it really made me look at the world a lot more differently and now I feel like a valued member of the team with a lovely family of friends.

So I'm actually really excited to go back to university this September. I'm excited to push myself and do something I didn't do the previous years and actually work hard, turn up, be there and prove myself wrong. I don't need to have friends on my course, I'm there to work. That dropping out didn't make me a failure, that handing in my notice didn't make me a failure. I know I can achieve it and I know I will.

Although it all sucked at the time, it was just meant to happen.. because of those experiences now I have a goal to work towards, and for that I am so thankful.

I would love to hear your experience or stories, or if you fancy a chat, feel free to make a comment or send me an email :)