Why I dropped out of my final year at university

I was a little skeptical about writing this post and it's taken a while for me to really have the words to write down or sort of just admit to the world that my life needed to change. It's tough to admit when you need help, so I hope my story inspires you or just gives you an insight into my experience at university. This was a tough one to write and share.

Back in January I made the strange and hard decision to actually drop out of my university course.
So I was in 3rd year.. the final year (the one with the light at the end of the tunnel, aka a shiny hat and a lovely photo) but I was at some strange dark place in my life that had continued since I first started university. Uni is supposed to be a fun, spontaneous experience but for me (although amazingly fun) was also hugely eye opening in terms of mental health and life skills. I realised that I had no social skills whatsoever, I hated my course, I felt so lonely and sad my work on my course suffered, I no longer went into any of my lessons, I struggled with the workload, had no skills because I had missed so many lessons and in turn I was faced with a serious decision.

To drop out of my final year.

At first I was adamant that I would stay, I don't know how I planned to do that, but I didn't want to start again or feel as though I failed, I also didn't want to let my parents or family down. My tutors were telling me their advice was to leave and start over, and I just felt that all the odds were just against me. I was so worried, mainly because all my friends, would be graduating without me and I wanted to finish my course and just get it over with. But after much consideration and decision making (with my dad) we came to the conclusion that I would drop out.
After making this decision it just was a huge relief, so much weight off my shoulders and no longer did I have to panic and worry about the work I had missed and I could start a-fresh in the new term.

Great, awesome. But then came the huge blow that was my job. I was doing my dream job in marketing, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind and my work suffered and I took it really personally. I was on a support plan and after a few weeks, their advice to me was to hand in my notice. I felt like a failure, I failed at university, I failed at my job.  I didn't want to fight my corner when I was so socially and emotionally fragile. I felt as though I couldn't do anything and I had to hand in my notice. Which was probably tougher than the university decision I made.

So for about a month or so, I was unemployed, no longer a student and mentally ill. I was bored, I was trying to apply for jobs to have some income, to stop myself from going stir-crazy at home and then I just went back to bar work. I applied for a full-time bar job on the seafront and it was the best thing I ever did. I made friends my own age, I was thrown into social situations that I had to grow up and deal with. Within a month of being at my job, I was told I would have to pick up the pace and to cut things short, I got a kick up the backside. Which again really hit a nerve with me because of my last job but this time I refused to let someone else think that I was shit at my job. I refused to let someone let me feel as though I couldn't do something. so I did it.
I picked my shit up and I worked hard, I changed my state of mind and it really made me look at the world a lot more differently and now I feel like a valued member of the team with a lovely family of friends.

So I'm actually really excited to go back to university this September. I'm excited to push myself and do something I didn't do the previous years and actually work hard, turn up, be there and prove myself wrong. I don't need to have friends on my course, I'm there to work. That dropping out didn't make me a failure, that handing in my notice didn't make me a failure. I know I can achieve it and I know I will.

Although it all sucked at the time, it was just meant to happen.. because of those experiences now I have a goal to work towards, and for that I am so thankful.

I would love to hear your experience or stories, or if you fancy a chat, feel free to make a comment or send me an email :)

Challenging Mental health & Self-esteem

This has been abit of a weird post, that I've been wanted to post for some time, but just didn't really have the right words for it, so it's taken a few attempts to gather my thoughts into what I actually wanted this post to be about and what it was I wanted to talk about. And its partially about mental health and self esteem.

What do you want to be when you grow up Emily?

I've always been creative, for as long as I can remember.

My mother cuts out sea creatures made of wood, she paints them, carefully, each one. I watch her from wide eyes. It's not a necessity, they're only going to be hung up in mine and my brothers bedroom. But they're cute and they fit above my bunk bed, and they look so nice on the lime green walls, a little blue octopus with it's legs carved into wood.

The little things

Living with anxiety can be a real hard struggle. People often misinterpret anxiety as something everyone feels from time to time, which is right! Sometime's its good to be a little scared about something. But for me yesterday, leaving my flat to go get some food from Tesco made me so frightened of leaving my cosy little nook I just completely freaked out.. weird right. I don't even know what I was afraid of! After my moment of panic I calmed myself down and pushed myself out of that front door and told myself that I CAN do this.

After I had set myself this small goal, I realized it's the little things.

The little tasks or goals we complete throughout the day that make us feel better about ourselves. The personal ones.

Even if it's a very small thing that would seem silly to other people but is personal to you. Goals that others set you can often be unrealistic and unclear if they don't understand what it is you need. Working towards a better you involves setting yourself small personal goals.

Not being at university anymore means that I have quite a bit of time on my hands and deciding what to do with that time can often be quite hard to do! (as silly as that sounds)
As a person who benefits from having routine, and yeah, I would say I need routine in my life to function, it's often difficult for me to 'take a break' as I'm not sure what to do with all this free time that I now have.

So in this break period I'm going to focus on my little things, my little goals that enable me to become a more stronger person to myself.

Here are some small goals I'm currently working on:

• finishing that god damn book I've been reading! 
• becoming a morning person 
• no netflix after 9pm
• go outside alone and read a book 
• go somewhere totally alone at least once a week
• make sure my little tasks get done (eg going to the bank etc)

Although these goals may seem silly or unnecessary to some people they mean alot to me, and also will help to keep my anxiety in check.

What goals are you working on at the moment?

Why sense of self is important

I feel like all I ever write about is just random little rants that appear in my head while I'm walking home or something, which is nice. Reflection is probably one of my favourite things to do, I analyse, question and conclude all in the space of around 10 minutes.

But recently I've been noticing how much more confidence I have in myself, which is incredibly important to me, considering the place I was in, lets say, last year.. But what does sense of self mean?

Its your personality, your identity and your self esteem, which makes up the very core of who you are as a person. So in my case that brings alot of positivity to my life, I have a tendency to shy away from large groups of people, I would much rather sit in the corner and talk to one person than a group, but I've found as I've become more independent, it's increased my confidence and boosted my sense of self.

Friendship is so important to me and growing up in my later teens, I always felt like I didn't have any friends.. acquaintances, maybe, but if somebody didn't like me or want to hang out, I would take it personally and feel as though I wasn't good enough. It was all down to my sense of self and confidence in myself.

Because I had none.

Back to my little reflection earlier, people say hurtful things because their sense of self is warped or broken in some kind of way, and if they can't accept you or even want to, then why should their warped ideas or opinions determine your self-worth?

Same goes for dating, going back to a post I wrote a while back - after reading it again I thought why the hell did I feel that way - if somebody wants to join me on my crazy whirlwind, then that's cool. But if they don't it isn't a reflection of myself.

For once in my life I feel like I rule.. and I wanted to shout about it, and rant.. about stuff

Emily.

Thoughts - Why Dating Sucks..

So you're back in the rat race, maybe you're not actively looking for a partner, but this is it. You're supposedly 'dating' again. You picked yourself out of those nasty sweatpants you've been slobbing around in, you've completely over-watched every show on Netflix and left-over pizza just isn't cutting it anymore. Besides, sharing that Pizza would be alot easier with some company.

Thoughts // Hitting the wall

Its been a long time since I've actually written anything, although I have been meaning to, but I guess I'm at the dreaded blogger place of hitting the 'blogger's block' or as I like to think, I've hit the wall. Not just in writing but also just generally in my life at the moment and I feel as though I'm about to start the dreaded cycle that comes after hitting the wall, being a lazy slob.

Thoughts // Getting out of the duvet

Today I overslept, again. And the importance of having routine at university is so important to me as not everyday is easy, just getting out of bed in the mornings is a difficult enough challenge.. Today I realized how much easier my life would be, and how much easier other people's lives would be if we just helped each other out every once in a while.

Although I would consider myself as hating all people because, they are people. I know I only tell myself that because it is 100% not true. My life revolves around people, I get crazily nervous when I'm on my own, specifically. If people were more understanding and took the time out of their day to just text somebody and say 'hey how're you doing today?' maybe a lot less people would be a lot less sad.

I consider myself quite an understanding person. Although I feel incredibly awkward when I have somebody crying into me, I try my best to gather what empathy I do have to help the other person out and do what I can to try and make their lives a little more comfortable. Even if it's simply asking if they would like to go on a little walk today, or offering to go shopping with them just to get them out the house, because I get it. I know how hard it was to get out of the duvet this morning.

I'm not really sure what point it is that I'm trying to get across today, I'm just rambling on like usual. Winter is cold, its miserable, its un-motivating and well sometimes its just nice to know somebodies thinking about you.

Instead of burying yourself in online social media today, maybe you should give that old friend a text and see what they're up to later.

Has blogging become boring?

I don't really want this post to turn into a boring little rant about the blogging world right now, but I've been seeing some brilliant posts that have wrote about this topic and its been very inspiring reads. Which brings me to the point of what I enjoy to read now, I don't want to bash other people's blogs, because I do enjoy the occasional few, but I'm so bored of the usual beauty or fashion bloggers that just seems so saturated now. I'm just bored with boring reviews about the same thing, new product, new review, great.

My blogging style in my opinion has begun to change and I'm no longer doing beauty posts because I feel they were just the easy thing to do. I guess that's why I haven't been posting much, because I'm still working out what it is I want to blog about. I want it to be more personal, Use what makes me unique as a person and translate that onto my blog. There's nothing better than seeing your stat's go up because people have took the time to read your blog, but I just keep thinking 'what is it I would like to read' and surely it is more satisfying to attract the readers that actually want to feel connected to your blog and not because they just found you on google for doing a review on a product.

I love reading posts that seem like they took the blogger some time to get their piece together, or just random thoughts that had occurred to them across the week that they felt needed to get off their chest. There is just something so liberating and inspiring about those kind of posts and I enjoy lifestyle bloggers so much more now. Maybe that's why the blogging community just seems all abit lost at the moment, because nobody is connecting with what they are reading anymore. Why is everybody striving to be successful by being the same? For me, I do this because I love to write. Sure I'd be lying if I said I didn't want anyone to read it, but I'm bored with being like everyone else and I want to write for me.

New beginnings.

Normally, I always start posts with "Sorry I haven't posted" because I guess I just got bloggers block but this is something I've been wanting to write about for some time. Sure it might not fit in with my blog 'style' but I'm sort of tired of not writing what I really want to write about. I've never really felt ready to write this post until now.. at half 4 in the morning on a Sunday.

2 years is a long time to spend with someone. You become so used to them being there, and being so dependent on them for comfort and it was a huge issue for me that I never really realized I had until my recent breakup. I have learnt so much about mental health, about people, about myself that its sort of hard to put into words what I wanted this post to be about and honestly, I'm still not sure and I'll probably ramble my way through it.

Most of my teenage years I just stumbled my way through relationships, relying on other people for my own happiness and never really taking the time to appreciate myself or spend time alone, to figure myself out, my wants, aspirations.. just being an independent woman and all that jazz.

I think this made me selfish, and unappreciative of people I was in relationships with, I didn't cherish them in the way most people do, but mainly because I just didn't understand, or realize how much of an impact they had on me as a person because they were always there.

After the end of my last relationship, I honestly felt lost. I had invested so much time into 'mothering' my partner I hadn't taken any of my own issues into account. I was oblivious to my own problems, thought they didn't matter and I never open up to any-one. Not even my partner. After he had left, I wasn't really that bothered. My walls went up and I thought that it didn't really matter. I pushed all my feelings to the side and got on with the routine of my life because crying is for babies.

When I moved back to university, all my distractions were gone and I finally had to confront the emotions I had pushed away. I became incredibly aware of my social anxiety. I couldn't go into university without knowing somebody I knew was going in, like a child clinging to their mother. It was very strange and although I had experienced this last year (and became rather down) I didn't think this would be the root of my social anxiety and university issue because I didn't want to know.

So I did the whole clique of chocolates, ice creams and sad romance movies. I went out practically every night drowning my sorrows and filling myself with distractions so I wouldn't have to face the reality of my breakup. I wasn't ready to let go of my best friend. The person I had shared so much with, I literally clung to whatever was left of our relationship and I felt so alone.

I very rarely cry in front of people because I feel so embarrassed, but everything became too much for one little person to keep inside. I sobbed in my housemates arms, I deleted his number, social media and began the long process in loving myself.

I've started going to university on my own, cooking real food (even those veggies!) and just started looking after myself. Even shaving my legs helped, painting my nails and I started doing simple yoga in my bedroom. Sure it's still a long process and a different journey. But I'm happy that I'm on this path now. I've felt so much more healthier, but also I have so much time to myself. 

To learn what being alone is like, that its not a bad thing, it's not scary or socially frowned upon. It's not a huge storm cloud over my head anymore and if anything has come out of this break up, its a better me. It's a better sense of self and I'm thankful for that. For the first time in about 5/6 years I'm starting to like being on my own, use my time wisely, spend it with people who matter and make some lovely memories.

It's a new beginning, to a better me.

Emily.

One of my favourite videos on being alone:

(link)

Picture sources:

(link)

University: My Experience // First year.

Hi! So after my long blogging leave, I'm back with a post I'm been meaning to write for quite some time. After ending my first year and being at home all summer I've had chance to reflect on the last year at university and memories I enjoyed and some I didn't so much. Maybe it will help some of you lovely freshers going off to university this year, what to prepare yourself for!

So firstly my university didn't have traditional halls last year, so as first years we had to go into a house straight away, which was extremely unnerving, and well super scary to think about. Unfortunately I didn't get my first choice at uni and so it was my second choice, although now I'm quite thankful as it isn't so far away from home, which I will write about later.

So meeting my housemates on Facebook, we got together and decided we should live together! (weird right..) So we all drove down and met up for the first time ever and went house hunting.. The only houses left, were well.. Pretty disgusting and gross. The house we ended up in, wasn't great. But it wasn't horrendous.. as far as student housing goes. But it was still pretty grim once you live in a house of 6 teenagers who have just left home.

My room was quite nice, it had big windows and it spacious enough to relax and chill. I spent most of my time... in my room. Which quite frankly I wish I hadn't. So anyway Fresher's started and we were out every night.. for 2 weeks. We did all the fancy events... All the clubs which brag about the great fresher crap they had going on and they were pants! One regret I did have was not looking out for all the special student union events they had on.. but for a small uni they obviously didn't have many.

House parties were a-plenty. We trashed our house most of the time, which isn't always the best thing to do when you have neighbors. But socially it's a good thing to get into.. being in clubs doesn't always give you the opportunity for conversation and I wish I spent more time doing that than being in the clubs for freshers. Not being in hall's didn't have its benefits.

I did become quite recluse after abit. I missed home more than I thought I would've. Which is why I was thankful for only being 2 hours away. I spent alot of time in my room, watching netflix and just generally being a slob. I wasn't enjoying my course, I wasn't really spending time with any of the people on my course and I became quite down and depressed.. and well, down in the dumps. I've learnt family are my rock and have really helped me through these times in particular.

This led me to become quite anxious about leaving the house, about meeting new people and creating opportunities, I stayed in bed and I was miserable all the time. It wasn't until I had to redo a failed unit plus all my new coursework that I stepped up my game and thought 'lets just get it over with'

At my lowest point I really considered leaving university, maybe it's not for me.. maybe I just can't get used to this whole new experience. Because it's not just leaving to study. It's a huge life change, you're plunged in with a bunch of people you don't know, so social skills play a huge part in student life. Using those nearly everyday, whilst trying to learn about living on your own and all these random new things that keep appearing, you're constantly learning. Although sometimes stressful, I believe that the whole experience of university is a huge life skill. Not just academically or slobbing around but, learning to live with new people, money management, time management. It's a huge step in growing up.

I think I've done quite a fair bit of growing up this last year, and although I'm nervous about returning back to my course and my new shiny house and friends, I'm really pumped to make the most of the 2 years I have left. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but I'm looking forward to pushing myself.

A Healthy Outlook

(image source)

Hello people,

My lack of blogging has just been at an all time low at the moment, I've been back at home from university, I've officially moved out and handed back my keys in preparation for moving into my next house, a much better one at that. Now I'm at home I have been making some big changes to my lifestyle which I have mainly been focusing on instead of being online 24/7.

I have cut out most of the junk food I eat.
I am a mcdonalds addict and giving up mcdonalds is actually really hard, as bad as that sounds.. It's just so easy for me to drive up and go pick up a delicious chicken legend, or a maccies breakfast. But I've totally cut it out.

I've also quit smoking! Yippee! I'm really proud of myself and I don't even think about it anymore. I even gave away a fresh pack of ciggies I found in my uni room to my housemate and I was really happy that I did! I never thought I was addicted until I got cranky and had big mood swings. But everything's great and I'm glad I won't be clogging up my lungs anymore.

Yoga.
I've actually started doing yoga. Last week I gave it a go and absolutely loved it! It's such a nice exercise to do and is perfect for me to start getting into something postive.

As you can see I've been taking some time out to reflect on myself, better myself and just create a much better, well.. me! Spending less time online and more time on myself is improving my lifestyle, I'm much happier.

As for my blog, I'm not sure what I'm doing right now, I guess I'm on abit of a blog hiatus, I'm not sure what I want my blog to be anymore, I'm still figuring that out. But once I do I'll be back :)

Emily.