I was a little skeptical about writing this post and it's taken a while for me to really have the words to write down or sort of just admit to the world that my life needed to change. It's tough to admit when you need help, so I hope my story inspires you or just gives you an insight into my experience at university. This was a tough one to write and share.
Back in January I made the strange and hard decision to actually drop out of my university course.
So I was in 3rd year.. the final year (the one with the light at the end of the tunnel, aka a shiny hat and a lovely photo) but I was at some strange dark place in my life that had continued since I first started university. Uni is supposed to be a fun, spontaneous experience but for me (although amazingly fun) was also hugely eye opening in terms of mental health and life skills. I realised that I had no social skills whatsoever, I hated my course, I felt so lonely and sad my work on my course suffered, I no longer went into any of my lessons, I struggled with the workload, had no skills because I had missed so many lessons and in turn I was faced with a serious decision.
To drop out of my final year.
At first I was adamant that I would stay, I don't know how I planned to do that, but I didn't want to start again or feel as though I failed, I also didn't want to let my parents or family down. My tutors were telling me their advice was to leave and start over, and I just felt that all the odds were just against me. I was so worried, mainly because all my friends, would be graduating without me and I wanted to finish my course and just get it over with. But after much consideration and decision making (with my dad) we came to the conclusion that I would drop out.
After making this decision it just was a huge relief, so much weight off my shoulders and no longer did I have to panic and worry about the work I had missed and I could start a-fresh in the new term.
Great, awesome. But then came the huge blow that was my job. I was doing my dream job in marketing, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind and my work suffered and I took it really personally. I was on a support plan and after a few weeks, their advice to me was to hand in my notice. I felt like a failure, I failed at university, I failed at my job. I didn't want to fight my corner when I was so socially and emotionally fragile. I felt as though I couldn't do anything and I had to hand in my notice. Which was probably tougher than the university decision I made.
So for about a month or so, I was unemployed, no longer a student and mentally ill. I was bored, I was trying to apply for jobs to have some income, to stop myself from going stir-crazy at home and then I just went back to bar work. I applied for a full-time bar job on the seafront and it was the best thing I ever did. I made friends my own age, I was thrown into social situations that I had to grow up and deal with. Within a month of being at my job, I was told I would have to pick up the pace and to cut things short, I got a kick up the backside. Which again really hit a nerve with me because of my last job but this time I refused to let someone else think that I was shit at my job. I refused to let someone let me feel as though I couldn't do something. so I did it.
I picked my shit up and I worked hard, I changed my state of mind and it really made me look at the world a lot more differently and now I feel like a valued member of the team with a lovely family of friends.
So I'm actually really excited to go back to university this September. I'm excited to push myself and do something I didn't do the previous years and actually work hard, turn up, be there and prove myself wrong. I don't need to have friends on my course, I'm there to work. That dropping out didn't make me a failure, that handing in my notice didn't make me a failure. I know I can achieve it and I know I will.
Although it all sucked at the time, it was just meant to happen.. because of those experiences now I have a goal to work towards, and for that I am so thankful.
I would love to hear your experience or stories, or if you fancy a chat, feel free to make a comment or send me an email :)
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