final, final year of university. 🎓

Hello strangers, I've been abit of a ghost recently, but that's not due to me being lazy - but more because I'm actually trying to complete my fashion comm's degree, the second time around.

If you're a regular follower, you'll know that I actually dropped out of university last year, in my final year due to mental health and just not really 'gel-ing' with well, pretty much anything. The people, the coursework, I just wasn't in a right state of mind and it finally caught up with me. After a staff member asking me if I were 'delusional' I decided that I wasn't getting the support I needed and wanted to continue, so I left.

Read more: "Why I dropped out of my final year at university"

This year however, has been completely different, I'm so glad I decided to drop out and take a year out to reflect on what I needed to change in my life but also, in my mind.

I'm currently working on my final major project, which I swapped to communications, something I'm enjoying much more and my tutors are much nicer and more approachable. The people who study alongside me, are actually super lovely as well, I no longer hold this sort of grudge or fear that people won't or don't like me.. I think this is because it's fresh faces and I don't feel the pressure to form a friendship group, like I did the previous years. I dealt with the fact that it's okay not to have many friends at university.

This time, it's all about me and my project, which is just really nice and refreshing. I no longer feel anxious to go into uni, I just get on with it - putting my head down and just trying to get through the last little bit of the journey. I feel like I've grown up and just sort of take everything on the chin.

It's amazing how a change in lifestyle can help with anxiety and confidence.

But I have about a month left, which is actually insane, but also pretty gut-wrenching - what on earth am I going to do afterwards!?? (send help!)

One thing that is bugging me is not spending enough time on my blog or social channels because I'm either doing university work, working, or just trying to catch some down time. So I hate feeling guilty about not putting that effort in, plus all the stress of doing work and trying to actually be an adult.

However, what I learnt about myself was an experience I possibly needed. To admit that I made mistakes, I let myself get too wrapped in things that never really mattered, which has given me a new look on life. Stepping down from uni was was of the hardest things I ever did - feeling like a failure. But I'm excited for that piece of paper to say that I achieved it in the end.


I'm probably going to cry at graduation.. no lie. (haha)


Thanks for reading, as always.

I'm over on twitter & Instagram

- if you fancy a natter

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Making hard choices

(a little picture of Howard my boyfriend, on one of our walks to the purbecks)

The last few weeks have been abit of a blur, I've finally settled into my uni work and I feel like I'm finally getting into it, but it's been abit of a struggle just trying to put my ideas into words and actually start somewhere in my project. I've been struggling a little last week with my anxiety and pulling myself together again but that's a whole different story.

Last month I started Blogtober and I LOVED it. I didn't actually post every single day, but I attempted it. I also realised my potential, my followers grew, my content got better and I was really seeing the stat's rise. People started contacting me about being a part of this blogging community that I knew about but I was never really part of. I was just a girl who blogged every now and then because it was something that I liked doing from time to time.

But last month made me realise my real potential and I'm not saying I'm going to be the next huge blogger, but  it made me think about my last job and what it was that I adored about it and that's social media marketing. It made me passionate again after university killed it for me.

I also work weekend's at a local bistro behind the bar, which does take up a lot more time than you think it does. I no longer had time for my boyfriend who is a photographer and we started creating stuff for my blog and it was so nice to do something together. But because of his full time job and my job we never get to go out and explore the beautiful places we have around us here in Dorset.

So a few days ago I sent my notice in and I've decided to leave my job. Which is huge. I worked out that I can survive on my student loan but it just means I have to be a lot more careful on my spending but also trying to make money from what I love the most. I'm not saying I'm going to jump into freelance straight away, I've still got a degree to finish but for me it's a breath of fresh air and it's what is going to make me happy. I'm going to miss the people I work alongside, but there's nothing stopping me from doing fun things more often now.

Inside I'm terrified, its scary knowing I will have to sort of live like a student again, watching my budget and not being able to afford the nice things that I love so much. But I'm sacrificing all that for time. Time to spend enjoying my boyfriend's company in our lovely home. Time to focus on activities and work that I love to do, Time to go on adventures and explore the world around me.

It's going to be hard to cut back, I say this like I have so much money but a little bit does make a difference, it's going to be stuff but cutting down isn't always such a bad thing. It's all very exciting and I'm excited to start my life up again and decide what exactly it is I want to do when I leave university. I'm looking forward to just focus'ing on me again and what makes me happy.

Thanks for reading as always,

Living with Anxiety

It's difficult sometimes when you don't want to leave the house for fear of being in the real world, it's safe inside your home or maybe your room and you just don't want to deal with the over stimulation of leaving your bubble. Sometimes its really frustrating when someone will ask you to go somewhere or simply do something and the last thing you want to do is leave your safe place, it sucks and often its really hard to just get out of that pattern.

Maybe I'm just an introvert by nature but I always feel overstimulated by the world around me and sometimes I just don't really feel apart of it, like I stand out like a sore thumb especially when I'm alone.

Explaining these feelings to people can often be really hard, usually they don't really understand and think you're lazy or silly for not leaving home but it's just my brain that's telling me not to. Almost like a non-conscious protection mechanism and it's always fascinated me what the trigger or reason behind this weird behaviour is.

Sadly I rely quite a lot on people to influence my mood, just to pick me up or sometimes just pull me out of my introvert shell and when you're alone a lot of the time, this isn't really that possible. So at the moment I'm trying to get some sort of routine and schedule going so that my brain doesn't have the time to even consider any of these thoughts and I hopefully can just automatically just do them.

This morning I was really tired for some reason, yesterday was a tough day, I was trying to get some uni work done and I just couldn't focus properly or even get in the right state of mind to begin doing just about anything. I showered and dressed which is great but I just wasn't all mentally there.

Blogging sort of lets me control it all a little bit.. today I literally want to stay in bed all day and sleep the day away, but I won't because I'm writing this which is getting me a little more pumped for the work I have to do today but its still a little shadow over my head. Im thinking about what I need to do after finishing this post, I don't really know what's going on with this post or where its really going, but I guess I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. It's hard to be productive when your brain tells you not to be and I'm just still trying to battle it again and it's really getting on my nerves.

I don't really know what this post was. It doesn't really make sense, abit of a jumble if I'm honest and well that's okay sometimes I guess. Just reflects my mood today. Sorry for the weird post. *shrugs*

Thanks for reading as always,

It's okay to not have any friends at university

I'm constantly my own worst enemy.

Recently I've been going back to university to finish my degree, it's my final year and after dropping out last year, all my friends and acquaintances I had made for the duration of the 2 and a bit years I was there, have all graduated and fleed the nest! This really leaves me in a strange position as I go into uni and literally know nobody. (apart from my tutors of course) But it's such a surreal feeling not having anybody to even say a little hello to in the corridor or a catch up in the canteen.

I used to struggle with social anxiety pretty bad. I hated going into university because I felt like an outsider on my course. It's amazing what anxiety can make you feel and think and I constantly thought I had no friends and nobody liked me, I knew I wasn't a bad person or mean or horrible - So why wouldn't I have friends right? And although I felt that way at the time, I did have friends. It was just my mind telling me I wasn't good enough to have them.

So this year is a huge strange leap for me, because I now know nobody. All that time my mind was telling me I had no-one but I had lots of people to talk to even if they were just people I knew.

I don't really know where this post was going or what I was trying to conclude from it, but I just know that having friends at university isn't the end of the world. At the end of the day we are all just there to study. I've sort of got a fresh head on my shoulders.. Of course it still bothers me that I have to sit alone at lunch sometimes but hey, I just whack out a book and read that.

I guess I'm feeling a lot more independent, I feel like I can finally function like an everyday person and not be too terrified of getting on a bus and being around people. I actually attend university now which is great and no longer do I eat my lunch in the toilet like a scene out of mean girls. I have crap days when I still can't say out loud what I think to the class or ask for help from my tutors, but at least I'm actually there and making progress.

This title was abit literal. Because I do have friends and they are amazing. But for now university is just an acquaintance in my life before I can finally hit the big wide world and it should be the same for everyone. Just be nice to people because you never really know what they're struggling with. Be kind. If you're at university and you're abit of an introvert like me, well it's okay to not live up to those party and popularity expectations that people have of university. It's unrealistic. By all means have a good time, and say yes to as many social things as you can, but it's okay to be abit of a loner too. work hard, and cut yourself some slack.

Why I dropped out of my final year at university

I was a little skeptical about writing this post and it's taken a while for me to really have the words to write down or sort of just admit to the world that my life needed to change. It's tough to admit when you need help, so I hope my story inspires you or just gives you an insight into my experience at university. This was a tough one to write and share.

Back in January I made the strange and hard decision to actually drop out of my university course.
So I was in 3rd year.. the final year (the one with the light at the end of the tunnel, aka a shiny hat and a lovely photo) but I was at some strange dark place in my life that had continued since I first started university. Uni is supposed to be a fun, spontaneous experience but for me (although amazingly fun) was also hugely eye opening in terms of mental health and life skills. I realised that I had no social skills whatsoever, I hated my course, I felt so lonely and sad my work on my course suffered, I no longer went into any of my lessons, I struggled with the workload, had no skills because I had missed so many lessons and in turn I was faced with a serious decision.

To drop out of my final year.

At first I was adamant that I would stay, I don't know how I planned to do that, but I didn't want to start again or feel as though I failed, I also didn't want to let my parents or family down. My tutors were telling me their advice was to leave and start over, and I just felt that all the odds were just against me. I was so worried, mainly because all my friends, would be graduating without me and I wanted to finish my course and just get it over with. But after much consideration and decision making (with my dad) we came to the conclusion that I would drop out.
After making this decision it just was a huge relief, so much weight off my shoulders and no longer did I have to panic and worry about the work I had missed and I could start a-fresh in the new term.

Great, awesome. But then came the huge blow that was my job. I was doing my dream job in marketing, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind and my work suffered and I took it really personally. I was on a support plan and after a few weeks, their advice to me was to hand in my notice. I felt like a failure, I failed at university, I failed at my job.  I didn't want to fight my corner when I was so socially and emotionally fragile. I felt as though I couldn't do anything and I had to hand in my notice. Which was probably tougher than the university decision I made.

So for about a month or so, I was unemployed, no longer a student and mentally ill. I was bored, I was trying to apply for jobs to have some income, to stop myself from going stir-crazy at home and then I just went back to bar work. I applied for a full-time bar job on the seafront and it was the best thing I ever did. I made friends my own age, I was thrown into social situations that I had to grow up and deal with. Within a month of being at my job, I was told I would have to pick up the pace and to cut things short, I got a kick up the backside. Which again really hit a nerve with me because of my last job but this time I refused to let someone else think that I was shit at my job. I refused to let someone let me feel as though I couldn't do something. so I did it.
I picked my shit up and I worked hard, I changed my state of mind and it really made me look at the world a lot more differently and now I feel like a valued member of the team with a lovely family of friends.

So I'm actually really excited to go back to university this September. I'm excited to push myself and do something I didn't do the previous years and actually work hard, turn up, be there and prove myself wrong. I don't need to have friends on my course, I'm there to work. That dropping out didn't make me a failure, that handing in my notice didn't make me a failure. I know I can achieve it and I know I will.

Although it all sucked at the time, it was just meant to happen.. because of those experiences now I have a goal to work towards, and for that I am so thankful.

I would love to hear your experience or stories, or if you fancy a chat, feel free to make a comment or send me an email :)

Challenging Mental health & Self-esteem

This has been abit of a weird post, that I've been wanted to post for some time, but just didn't really have the right words for it, so it's taken a few attempts to gather my thoughts into what I actually wanted this post to be about and what it was I wanted to talk about. And its partially about mental health and self esteem.

Preparing for University - Mental Health

It's no secret as I've spoken many times about the difficulties I have faced whilst being at university regarding mental health. For all those lovely freshers out there, you have no idea what is ahead! It is extremely common for students to struggle with mental health issues and I am not surprised! Moving away from home, combined with all the added stress of studying + trying to make friends is extremely overwhelming! Noticing the signs that you have a problem before it escalates is something to really look out for. I will be going into my third and final year this year and honestly, I didn't really have my shit together till the end of last year. I felt so much more confident once I had set a routine and I want to carry that on to the most important year of all. So here are some of my tips I've found to work if I get into a rut.

Thoughts // Getting out of the duvet

Today I overslept, again. And the importance of having routine at university is so important to me as not everyday is easy, just getting out of bed in the mornings is a difficult enough challenge.. Today I realized how much easier my life would be, and how much easier other people's lives would be if we just helped each other out every once in a while.

Although I would consider myself as hating all people because, they are people. I know I only tell myself that because it is 100% not true. My life revolves around people, I get crazily nervous when I'm on my own, specifically. If people were more understanding and took the time out of their day to just text somebody and say 'hey how're you doing today?' maybe a lot less people would be a lot less sad.

I consider myself quite an understanding person. Although I feel incredibly awkward when I have somebody crying into me, I try my best to gather what empathy I do have to help the other person out and do what I can to try and make their lives a little more comfortable. Even if it's simply asking if they would like to go on a little walk today, or offering to go shopping with them just to get them out the house, because I get it. I know how hard it was to get out of the duvet this morning.

I'm not really sure what point it is that I'm trying to get across today, I'm just rambling on like usual. Winter is cold, its miserable, its un-motivating and well sometimes its just nice to know somebodies thinking about you.

Instead of burying yourself in online social media today, maybe you should give that old friend a text and see what they're up to later.