New beginnings.

Normally, I always start posts with "Sorry I haven't posted" because I guess I just got bloggers block but this is something I've been wanting to write about for some time. Sure it might not fit in with my blog 'style' but I'm sort of tired of not writing what I really want to write about. I've never really felt ready to write this post until now.. at half 4 in the morning on a Sunday.

2 years is a long time to spend with someone. You become so used to them being there, and being so dependent on them for comfort and it was a huge issue for me that I never really realized I had until my recent breakup. I have learnt so much about mental health, about people, about myself that its sort of hard to put into words what I wanted this post to be about and honestly, I'm still not sure and I'll probably ramble my way through it.

Most of my teenage years I just stumbled my way through relationships, relying on other people for my own happiness and never really taking the time to appreciate myself or spend time alone, to figure myself out, my wants, aspirations.. just being an independent woman and all that jazz.

I think this made me selfish, and unappreciative of people I was in relationships with, I didn't cherish them in the way most people do, but mainly because I just didn't understand, or realize how much of an impact they had on me as a person because they were always there.

After the end of my last relationship, I honestly felt lost. I had invested so much time into 'mothering' my partner I hadn't taken any of my own issues into account. I was oblivious to my own problems, thought they didn't matter and I never open up to any-one. Not even my partner. After he had left, I wasn't really that bothered. My walls went up and I thought that it didn't really matter. I pushed all my feelings to the side and got on with the routine of my life because crying is for babies.

When I moved back to university, all my distractions were gone and I finally had to confront the emotions I had pushed away. I became incredibly aware of my social anxiety. I couldn't go into university without knowing somebody I knew was going in, like a child clinging to their mother. It was very strange and although I had experienced this last year (and became rather down) I didn't think this would be the root of my social anxiety and university issue because I didn't want to know.

So I did the whole clique of chocolates, ice creams and sad romance movies. I went out practically every night drowning my sorrows and filling myself with distractions so I wouldn't have to face the reality of my breakup. I wasn't ready to let go of my best friend. The person I had shared so much with, I literally clung to whatever was left of our relationship and I felt so alone.

I very rarely cry in front of people because I feel so embarrassed, but everything became too much for one little person to keep inside. I sobbed in my housemates arms, I deleted his number, social media and began the long process in loving myself.

I've started going to university on my own, cooking real food (even those veggies!) and just started looking after myself. Even shaving my legs helped, painting my nails and I started doing simple yoga in my bedroom. Sure it's still a long process and a different journey. But I'm happy that I'm on this path now. I've felt so much more healthier, but also I have so much time to myself. 

To learn what being alone is like, that its not a bad thing, it's not scary or socially frowned upon. It's not a huge storm cloud over my head anymore and if anything has come out of this break up, its a better me. It's a better sense of self and I'm thankful for that. For the first time in about 5/6 years I'm starting to like being on my own, use my time wisely, spend it with people who matter and make some lovely memories.

It's a new beginning, to a better me.

Emily.

One of my favourite videos on being alone:

(link)

Picture sources:

(link)